was it really that bad? He never hit me so, did I overreact when I called the police? (Mind you, he'd smashed things all over the house, dented door knobs, the kitchen sink, walls - and I've never EVER seen him that angry).
That qualifies as domestic violence where I live. Threatening to kill you and showing violent behavior is not acceptable. Anywhere. Regardless of what the law says.
You're second-guessing yourself because it's what we do, when we've lived in abusive relationships. We've gotten so used to sh*t that we shouldn't accept that we don't see how sick it is. For me, it took someone to call it "abuse" before I allowed myself to admit that yes, it was.
You're second-guessing yourself because that's what happens psychologically when you've lived with an abuser. You stop trusting your own instincts and your own feelings. You start believing the abuser when he says "I wouldn't have to drink if you weren't such a b**ch" and "It's your fault I got angry because you provoked me."
That's on the same level as kids who say "You tripped me!" when they fall and you're 20 yards away and they just want someone to blame because they don't want to be responsible.
Don't ever for a second doubt that you did the right thing. I left my AXH under a death threat. In retrospect, it didn't come out of thin air. It was just the next level in a circle of violence that had escalated and because I didn't say STOP earlier, it continued. There's no doubt in my mind that if I had stayed, I would have died. Maybe not that night, but eventually, he would have killed me.
Have you consulted a domestic violence counselor? Most places have them available free of cost. I talked to one who told me that she has counseled women who have lived with domestic violence for 25 years. She said emotional and verbal abuse and threats is in some ways more difficult to recover from than physical abuse. (Oh GREAT, you're thinking, THAT's encouraging! But wait, there's more!) Because physical abuse, you can look at the scars and the bruises and say "Yeah. ******* hit me." but emotional and verbal abuse is insidious, because it plants that seed of doubt in your mind... "Was it
really that bad?" and "Did I overreact?"
That's exactly what the abuser has trained us to think. That we can't trust our own judgment. That it really is our fault when he gets angry, or violent.
It's not.
Please don't go back.