Miller05

hello everyone...i am new here. i have been lurking on the site for a few weeks now, and i am ready to join and get some support. this is such a terrible time. but i knew that i was coming to the right place to share my story and hopefully get some advice/support.

well, i met my husband 12 years ago...married for almost 7. we have a 20 month old son. i am 40 and my husband is 38. my husband has always smoked week...practically everyday. i never made a big deal about it because quite frankly i grew up with people smoking weed around me and i guess always thought it "wasnt that bad," you know? it got to the point however where we couldnt really even travel unless he had his week with him..and if he didnt, he always had to "score" wherever we were at...even overseas on a european vacation. but...i always turned the other way.

my husband also had a group of friends that he made about 3-4 years ago that would always come to the house. one of the guys was a carpenter and turned our garage into my husband's "mancave." all the guys would go back there and watch the game, smoke weed, drink...it was his place to relax. i never made a fuss...not even when i didnt have the key back there. i also knew that on a few occasions he told me he did cocaine. he told me it was "recreational." he promised he would not do it again. i believed him. i also know that he sold coke occasionally as well for extra money on the side. he always made no big deal about it...and of course i turned the other way.

so, the problems in my marriage were forced to the surface when i discovered that during my pregnancy of 2010, he had an affair with his yoga instructor who is a former stripper from czech. i was devasted to learn the truth. we separated a few weeks, and then he moved back in. we tried to work things out...it was difficult...trying to rebuild the marriage after infedelity, but we tried. it was terrible for me though. but i wanted to save my family. he got into therapy and so did i. the affair was discovered 9 months ago when he confessed. so fast forward to 3 weeks ago. my husband is in the "mancave" all night with the door closed. i fall asleep. in the morning, i see his phone on the counter and discovered a dirty text message to a woman. i woke him up and we were both devastated. he said that he met her on the internet the year before and that they like to sext occasionally.

i was through. i told him to get out. he begged and pleaded for me not to leave him...he begged all day. and then he finally said that he wanted me to sit down. i was afraid of what was coming. he told me to sit on the couch and that he would be right back. he came in with a box. in the box were all these balloons. he told me that he was addicted to cocaine and had been for a long time...ever since we reconciled 9 months earlier. he said that he tried to stop but couldnt. he said that when he drinks, he likes to do the cocaine, and then gets sexual. i was devastated. he said that he could not stop doing it and wanted to. so, after a day of thinking about it, and after seeing his therapist...i decided to "stand by him." i gave him 4 conditions...i said that he had to go to rehab, stop drinking, go to counseling, and be 100% transparent. that transparency meant access to all email, phone, computer, etc. i never requested this from him when we reconciled from the 1st affair. he came back and told me that he would do the rehab, counseling, computer...but no phone. he said that he would not give me access to his phone records. he said all i would do was call people and get people in trouble at work...or make a big deal out of nothing. i was not budging. i told him that if he could not be transparent with me, then we had no marriage. and guess what? he left me. he went to go and stay at his brothers house for 2 weeks.

during that 2 weeks, he was acting crazy. he wanted to fight with me about visitation with our little toddler...things like wanting him to spend the night with him 4 nights in a row. and he was verbally abusive...calling me names...you name it. and i would only respond to him by saying..."rehab, stop drinking, transparency, counseling." and that only got him madder and madder. after the 2 weeks, i asked him if he was going to comply with my guidelines...he said that he would not. then i told him i would contact my lawyer about visitation and would let him know.

the next morning, he came over to our house in a rage when he saw that my son was not there...i didnt feel comfortable with him being there...instincts. he went crazy. he hit me in the face...and i hit the wall. i was terrified. i called the police...and they came asap. blood was everywhere. i had to have 5 stitches in my forehead. he went to jail for 8 days. i have never seen my husband in a rage like that.

when he got out of jail...he was not very remorseful..still staying at his brothers house. his family member were calling me to get his things. there is a restraining order in place by the police so his family was speaking on his behalf...of course all on his side. they all came over the night of the altercation being supportive and saying that he needed to get into rehab. well, once he got out of jail...things were a little different...they werent as nice to me. all my husband did was tell me how horrible jail was for him...it was like he was blaming me for him going to jail. he took no responsibility. and then he refused to talk to me and used the restraining order as an excuse even though it clearly says that he can talk to me about visitation in a peaceful way. but no, he had his family speak on his bahalf.

i know that his family spent the entire time he was locked up looking for rehab centers in our area. i agreed to let them use my insurance that pays 100 percent for in patient care. and then when he got out...he never went to rehab. he said he was going to go...but never went. i then learned that he might lose his job as a teacher because they found out about the domestic violence charge so he will have to answer for that.

he is staying over at his brothers house with no money, no car, job in jeopardy...just out of jail...and away from me and the baby.

i logged into his email account..as he must have forgot i have the password...i see that he reached out to a woman who he used to do drugs with a while back. i know they did coke and xanax together.

and he is still not in rehab.

since he is not talking to me...i finally sent him a letter telling him that i wanted out since he would not comply with the guidelines. i told him that i deserve a man to fight for me and his family....that i had value. i told him that he lied to me, cheated on me...shows no remorse and basically bailed on me and the baby. and that is exactly what he has done....and he wont even communicate with me. i felt as if i had no choice but to let him go. i will not take him back without rehab and transparency. something tells me that those phone records must be really bad...enough to risk the marriage. it could be other women....and/or all of his drug connections...i dont know. but all i do know is that he is not willing to be transparent with me. he wants to keep this secret life and that is not a marriage to me. i will not be a doormat.

but the truth is everyone...is that i am so upset. i miss him terribly. i cant believe that he left us. i cant believe that he is a drug addict. i dont want to believe it. i am in denial...i know that. i keep thinking he made up the drug addict story because he got caught sexting. but then why would he have all that coke to show me? and when i went on his computer...i saw that back in january, he submitted an on-line assessment to a rehab facility. i never knew. apparently they tried to contact him several times, and he never followed up. i dont want to believe that he is actually addicted to cocaine. he always seemed so function...ever stealing things...or missing money...so that is why i am having a hard time accepeting this. but the truth is that he even told him family he was addicted...why would he lie?

can anyone out there please offer some insight...some advice. i am really hurting. i read the sticky..."what addicts do" and it is hard to believe that i am married to one. does it sound like it to you. he said he would do coke 4-5 times a week.