Do you lie to yourself?
So many of the topics here have gotten me thinking and I am finally realizing how much I lie to myself or have lied to myself about my situation. I have been thinking about my relationship with AH and realized that I made him out to be bigger than he really is. I have believed the lies that he told me: I'm not as smart as he is(although he never came out and said he, he gets condescending and makes me feel small) or that I'm responsible for his drinking or porn usage(just a few of the many issues that he has lied about).
I believed the lies that my father told me: that I shouldn't have been born, that I didn't have any worth, etc. I even believed an ex-boyfriend when he told me I was getting fat......I was a size 2 for God's sake, how much smaller did he want me to get without looking anorexic? And, I believed them all. Of course, I did have one boyfriend who told me I'd make a great stripper and he knew a place I could interview at, LOL, and at the time I thought it was an awesome compliment, ugh!
Then, I started thinking today about the lies I tell myself. That I can't make it on my own. That my son won't be able to handle a split in our marriage and that he'll blame me. That my AH will come to his senses, smack himself upside the head, and proclaim how stupid he was for getting himself in this deep!
I then took it one step further and realized I was telling myself lies about what my Higher Power says about me. I realies that I was getting tangled up because of all the other lies I was believing(both internally and from others) and I realize now that I need to start walking in truth and stepping out in faith and trusting in what I KNOW and what I SEE, not what I want to know or want to see. Wishful thinking or convincing myself that something looks one way, when in reality it is the complete opposite does not help me see the truth. It only extends the pain of the lie and makes it more difficult to overcome. I hope some of this made some sense to someone, LOL! I got so excited today as I was doing some journaling and I realize that I am finally coming in to acceptance and it's just the next step along this recovery journey for me.