Liz, I feel for you because I've had to come to terms with the fact that xabf's getting sober still wasn't enough. I thought that if he got sober and we gave it some time, things would work out. instead he has become jealous and irrational, and very judgmental. It's almost as if the verbal abuse hasn't stopped, just taken a different form. It's a very disappointing reality, but reality nonetheless.
I may have mentioned it before, but there's a great book called "Feel the Fear...and do it anyway" b Susan Jeffers. Chapter 8 has a great tool for determining what will constitute a "whole life" for yourself. Good luck!