Hello and Welcome Toronto!! I hope you can find an Alanon meeting in your area. That would help you tremendously. I totally understand everything you said and I am certain there are others here who can relate to this as well. You are doing a good thing reaching out for your own self-help. The only people that can make ourselves feel better is ourself
In Alanon we learn how to take care of ourselves and our own needs and how to get past bad things that we have experienced in dealing with an alcoholic. My mother was never sober, my husband is in recovery right now. You are doing the right thing. Look for Alanon groups in your area OR there are Alanon groups here online if needed and of course everyone here on the forum. Please keep us posted!!