Have No Idea Whether She Is Dead Or Alive.
My AGF was fired from her job on Sunday due to her alcoholism, and has been drinking ever since.
She is in AA and had 3 weeks sobriety prior to that. Which is the longest she had ever maintained her sobriety.
Yesterday we went swimming. We were having a good time. She looks up at me from the pool and says I am having a really good time. Minutes later she is at the bottom of the pool. She comes up for air then goes down again. I thought she was just swimming underwater. She then comes up again and says "I don't want to live anymore." Then goes down again. I jump into the water and pull her back up. She keeps struggling with me telling me to just let her kill herself. I hold onto her and get her out of the pool. As soon as I let go back into the pool she went. And back I went in after her. She finally settled down and we head back to my house.
When we get back to my house I tell her that she can not spend the night if she is going to continue to drink. She says that if I will not let her drink then she is going to go home. I tell her that she is in no condition to drive. So let me drive her home. She says let me stay and drink or I drive home. I tell her that I am powerless to what she does away from me. But in front of me she cannot drink. And away she sped.
She called me early in the morning and let me know that she made it home all right.
She tells me that she really does want to get her life together. She just needs me to help her with the rent to get her started.
I told her that she needs to do three things for me to consider it. Go back to AA meetings. Go into detox if she cant get sober. And let her family know what is going on. They live out of state and have know idea the extent of her alcoholism.
She declined all three. Saying that she needs to know that her rent is taken care of before she can start to think about the other things. So I said you are not getting any money from me.
Of which she replied "I can't believe you would abandon me like this. You say you love me. I just want to die!"
She then hung up. And I have not talked to her since.
I have been going to Al-Anon for the last year. It has been a life saver in so many ways. I have made many calls today. And will go to a meeting tonight.
I know that not paying her rent is the right thing to do. I know that I must allow her to hit rock bottom. I know that if she is determined to kill herself there is nothing that I can do.
But knowing all of these things does not make it any less painfull.