Well, I guess that day was not the day for me :/
I ended up drinking again the following two days though nothing yet today so far. I get so frustrated with myself and am really fighting the craving for the past hour ending my work day with a scotch. Ugh, I have been self medicating with alcohol and substances since I was 12 (now 31) and struggling with the balance ever since. I was fortunate enough to have a loving family that supported me while I kicked all of the "hard" stuff some 10 years ago but the alcohol still remains.
Guess I'm not done flirting with the idea that maybe I'm not an alcoholic as Toronto Guy accurately put it. This cycle is so frustrating. When I'm drunk or hungover I think 'I have got to put this to an end...it's not worth it,' but once I'm feeling better, my brain starts saying 'Hey, you might not be an alcoholic, rather a heavy drinker, just like the Blue Book says.' And then it starts all over again. I spent the last 10 years considering myself an alcoholic, stating I'm an alcoholic at meetings during sober times, and am just now struggling to really accept it. Struggling with the first step.
Could it be that perhaps I am a problem/heavy drinker rather than an alcoholic? It seems I can always force myself to stop drinking (white knuckled) when I need to...but I know I would miserably fail the 'drink 2 drinks a day, no more, for 30 days' test. Once I have one, I ALWAYS will have more. Sigh.