Originally Posted by MadeOfGlass

I am unsure from reading your post whether he is currently actively drinking. I think that as long as he is, the same old will prevail.

Typically in our marriage abusing drinking and drugs has been an on-again, off-again thing with him; some times worse than others. Since I told him I was done and had enough he has been clean. It's been a little over 3 months now.

I see the sex and the alcoholism as yes, connected, but also separate. He believes he is entitled to his fantasies and that you will always take him back. He seems to have that old guy's club belief that his behavior is acceptable. This type of thinking does not have to be associated with alcoholism, as it is fairly common. *Pukes* from the "mother figure" remark...uggh.

PUKES right there with you!! I was like WHAT??? Not to toot my own horn but I am not a bad looking woman and this really messed with my self-esteem.

He values sexual fantasy above true intmacy. This much is CLEAR.

Wow - excellent. Never thought of it that way before...

I also don't believe he has ever been truly honest with you. You may be more gullable than you think.

Yep. I am. That much is clear to me too. I have always seen the positive in people and I have always been told I trust "too much". I believe people. I am honest so I assume everyone else is too. Actually when he admitted a ton of stuff to me I was floored. I had no idea. I don't think I was in denial as much as just too trusting and gullible. When he got honest with me (the first time) I almost had a nervous break down.


Yes, he loves you, as long as you let him do what he wants anyway.

He has said he "wants what HE wants when HE wants it" to me before so this speaks to me. Is that typical of an AA/NA person?

What would happen if you said NEVER again? The ultimatum? What would he choose? This is for thought purpose only, not suggesting such action, that is your choice and could be a very disappointing outcome.

Well, this last instance I did. I said I was done. I went to a divorce lawyer and I started separation papers. We have separated twice before int he past but never legally. I just told him he had to leave and he did. The first time we were apart for about a month. Then he came back. The second time he went straight into rehab. After the rehab time was when we had a really great 6 or 7 years. Three months ago is when I said I was totally and utterly done and I couldn't live like "this" anymore. He said he was going to get back in the program and get clean if i would please give him one last chance.

There is a circle of repeat here. Placate you, then back to business as usual.

Yep. I see it too. It's been a huge circle. The only time things were good was when he stayed close to his meetings and had a sponsor. When he drifted from that things always went bad.

Where you are at is deciding your boundaries. What is acceptable, what is not. Can you live with it? It's not about him, he's made clear who he is...what do you NEED?

I need a responsible husband, partner and friend. Someone who I can trust. Someone to share life with, have fun with and solve issues with. I know it's there. I know he is capable. I am even willing to forego sexual relations somewhat or come to some sort of mutual agreement. Sex is important to me but his health and sanity and our relationship are more important. I mean once a month would be awesome. He has reached out to me, holding my hand and loving in small ways but for whatever reason sex is just not happening.

Can you force him to value intimacy above fantasy? No...but you can make him think about it by raising the topic.

When I did raise the topic he immediately went to the doctor. I think he realized something was amiss when I brought it up. I don't harp on it and I don't nag about it. He knows I have issues with it and he is seeking help from a doctor. I guess that's a good first step.

Sometimes I think some men are simply daft to what a sexual relationship is really about.