Originally Posted by
SettingSunset 
We can't just let go of 'hope'. Hope, Faith, Love.
I have learned in the past 4 months the success rate of the first time 'try to sober' is 3%. Very small. I could have lost my hope when I heard that. We all hope our A will be the exception and be in the 3%.
Alcohol has really been an underlying sadness my entire life. I have had a wonderful life, don't get me wrong. I had a wonderful mom, a man who loves me, two wonderful sons. We now have 4 wonderful grandchildren. I know my A dad loved us all too.
I find it very hard to be 'to the point' and say no. I think my husband will have to tune his manipulation out...and know that it is manipulation when it is happening.
As a mom, I will always and forever love my son. Maybe a spouse of an A can always love their A spouse. If I was going through this pain with my spouse (that I am going through with my son), I think (not sure because I am not in that situation) I would be angry, mad, and begin to dislike him.
A woman friend of mine across the country from me has a husband who tried to sober 3 times (I think). He finally did sober but his life consists of AA meetings, working, AA meetings, work. The love is lost. She wants him out, and he won't go.
This is the difference in my thinking... my AA woman friend really dislikes her husband and stuck with him but really wants some quality life herself now. Me, as a mom... I will never dislike my son. Never. He is part of my heart and soul. Always will be.
That is where I am coming from. I am healing. I pray when my mind starts to get scattered thoughts.... Pray, asking for God to remove those thoughts I can't do anything about. It is beginning to become natural...the thoughts not ALWAYS in my head. I am sleeping better. That is a good sign.
I just wanted to thank you for your post because it has been really helpful to me in thinking about my boyfriends behaviors these past couple months, and especially comparing that to my sister in law that sounds so much like your daughter in law. Even at his worst, my boyfriend was never manipulative and selfish in the ways that my sister in law tries to be, and she isnt even an addict but I sort of suspect maybe there is something weird in her family as we have never really spent time with them and dont know them.
But anyway, knowing my sister in law, and thinking about what if my boyfriend was like that... wow what an eye opener. I could not live with him like that. He would (really would ) make me go nuts. My parents and I have sort of figured out how to diffuse my sister in law, and yes that now drifts over to my brother because it seems even he cant stand up to her. I really hope your son is not being strongly affected by his wife in that same way.
So I am going to now know more of what to look for happening with my boyfriend after he returns from the rehab. I will be aware, and I wont let that type of behavior take me down.
But you know in your last post, you mentioned the three things that I think are the utmose important: faith , hope, love. You were asking earlier how you support your son without enabling, and without causing yourself to be manipulated. Maybe those three things are your answer.... Let him know you have faith in him; that he will meet the trials that he is facing, that God is looking out for him, and you have faith he will find the answers within. And only do for him what you are comfortable with and ask yourself before... will I regret this . And the expression of hope... that things will get better for him and there are goals and dreams he can begin to hope for himself and you can encourage that light in his life... and love... that you love him unconditionally even if you do not agree with many of his choices, or actions.
But again Im new and havent been through all that much with my A yet, so take my thoughts with that in mind.
Thanks again for your post.