SS,
Much better. My (R?)AH is dry now too, but it was forced. True sobriety will be what he continues when he is out of rehab and learning to live again. I am not going to be trusting it for some time because I am easily manipulated by him and his words. Our specific circumstance is that he is also physically sick, has not worked for years, so I will still have to help support him financially. He is not going to the streets if I can help it, but he is not coming home, either. He may only be a husband (not my child), but he is the father of my children and has been a part of my entire adult life. The bounds are strong. But, I need to be firm. He needs to care for himself and quit relying on me to be his life. He was the one who made his decision to drink again. I am not going to be dragged down into it even if it appears disloyal.
JG,
It is that ongoing expectation that our loved one will return, and then having our hopes smashed time and time again that is where many of us come from. So, when we seem harsh, it is because we keep expecting that change, adapting our needs to the other person's sickness, then, ideally, see that we need our own help. That help usually means we have to detach from the situation. For me, that detachment has been going on for some time as I have lived with active alcoholism for the last few years after AH was sober for 25 but slowly re-exerting his alcoholic behaviors. I have been here before, I am not going to do it a third time. Yes, I did things for him that I should not have done. Some were necessary given specific circumstances. No one is talking about bringing a cup of coffee in the morning. But, when I won't cook food that I want because of constant complaints, then that is going too far. When I keep buying things to placate him and then he loses them, and I feel guilty about it, that is sick. When I keep dumping money into his checking account because he can't budget or manage, then I am the one with the problem. When I passively stand by when he is over disciplining the children that is wrong. When I have no more say in the family's dynamics because of trying to avoid conflict, then I am the one who needs to change. Yes, he was wrong in his behavior. Yes I was wrong to keep wishing his real self would return. Yes, I was encouraging the good stuff. Yes, I did not have control over him. Yes, I did kick him out to figure it out. Yes, I am not responsible for his response to it (and it hasn't been pretty.) Yes, I need to care for me and the kids now and still not worry about what he is doing/not doing. Does that help?
I truly hope that this is a short term problem for you. I suppose that can happen. Probably not to the ones who post here, though, so keep that in mind.