It's amazing to me how I was so blind to how truly awful it has been for me to live with someone who has been methodically breaking me down for years, keeping me slightly off balance and feeling guilty about being a subpar wife. It has been a covert attack on my self worth, criticisms under the guise of helpfulness, hidden among sweet buttery compliments, so that I hardly noticed at times. Then when I would try to discuss what I was possibly perceiving I would be shamed, blamed, raged at, and later apologised to, an emotional rollercoaster ride that was so energetically taxing that it kept me silent. I began reverting to friends and books to undo the damage, and trying to "stay positive" in the marriage. My AH would say "if you focus on negativity you get a negative result, if you focus on positivity you get a positive result." BS! That's like trying to shovel s**t in the dark. Turn the lights on, look at it directly, then get it out of your house! I've been a willing participant in a relationship that is insane, because I believed that keeping us together outweighed the importance of my "feelings", feelings that my husband said were a waste of time, all in my head, and more important to me than my children. New top priority: keeping my head together and my heart together and my self worth together and my sobriety together. As one of my favorite authors wrote: the truth may explode your marriage, but its the only thing that will save your life.