What Im hearing a lot of people saying really is that everyone should be completely independent, and no one should ask another person to do what they can do for themselves. And that no one ever needs a hug, or compassion from their loved one unless it’s a kick in the pants to remind them to be independent.
That would be where the issue of codependency comes from… when people are so emeshed that they rely on each other so much, they become unable to function on their own, or are miserable because they feel like they do so much for others, and are being taken advantage of….. But I think that most people can live in the middle…. I don’t think they have to have such a hard stance about not doing things for others that they can do for themselves.
I mean maybe I haven’t lived with an addict long enough, but I feel that things with my boyfriend, and pretty much all my other relationships…. Things tend to even out over time. Maybe I do something for someone that isn’t necessary, but its nice, or they are having a hard time and I just want to offer a hand…. But then it will be returned to me when I could use some kindness. Of course, like with my sister in law, my parents have learned her tricks and they pass on her great ideas (that benefit only her) because she never returns the favor for anything. Its sad but like the OP said…. My parents have not had as much contact with their grandkids because they refuse to be taken advantage of just to visit with them.
So perhaps Ive answered my own question…. The suggestion to not do for anyone what they can do for themselves, only really applies when you are being taken advantage of, and not respected on a regular basis by a person.
In my case, the drug abuse started only a few months ago and the inconsiderate behavior / lying / etc. has only gone on for a few weeks… so I feel that I don’t need to take such a strong stance with him because Im expecting him to revert back to his more kind , considerate ways as he recovers. Well… sorry for rambling … but this thread has helped me understand a little bit as to why people respond and have the thoughts and feelings that they do.