Emotional support vs. enabling
We want to be emotional support for our son who is leaving rehab on Sunday. He is a married adult in another state. We are picking him up from rehab to return him to his home town. Actually my husband is picking him up to return him to jail for his bench trail the following day for DUI 3. He is a wonderful person. How are we going to be emotional support in the months to come?
He is manipulating us after 3 months in jail and 6 weeks in rehab. I say again, he is a wonderful person. I need to stop saying that? But I believe he is. He isn't thinking of my husband who will drive 8 hours to pick him up, 6 hours to return him to jail...and wait overnight to go to the trial the next day and then drive 6 hours home to go back to work. We are grandparents, does that give you any idea of our age? Not an easy trek for someone young!
My husband's stomach is in a knot again tonight because my son is manipulating the 'trip' from rehab to the jail...stop to see his car (that was impounded from the DUI 3 and was repaired from the damage he had) and go to his house where his wife and children are not (children will be with us, wife is traveling for work). His wife manipulated us in taking the kids for two weeks during our very busy work season. That is another long story. She is a piece of work....she came that way to the marriage, it wasn't my son's alcoholilsm.
All such a mess...but we need to make boundaries. I suggested to my husband to call my son and tell him what time he will pick him up and tell him he needs to be back at jail by 6:30. He will stop to see the car or the house, not both. He should not do either, but my husband is taking a babystep in not driving around the country for my son.
We are coming to a close on all of this...whether it is the end of my son's legal battles or not. We are coming to a close on DIL manipulating us...whether we see our grandchildren or not. We need to live a life.
Any thoughts? My biggest question is this... How do we give emtional support without enabling? what words? what actions are emotional support (not enabling) for an adult?
My AA friend says, "Oh, us alcoholics, we are manipulative." She tells me my real son is there... it is the alcohol.