Today is the Day
Hello,
I just wanted to introduce myself and reach out to folks in recovery and those just starting and struggling with me. I've had several stints of abstinence from alcohol over the past 5 years, the longest being 20 months or so, though I would consider myself a dry drunk during these times. Those months without alcohol were some of the best of my adult life. I learned to kayak, I was hiking all of the time, my music was thriving and I was in the best shape of my life. But I was still angry. My family and friends have commented that when I quit drinking I turn into such an angry person and I know this is not the core of who I am. I sometimes think I'm deeply scared of letting myself love, be loved, and be happy. I have got to stop today and know that this time I'm going to really need the support and guidance of folks in AA. I hate that I'm an alcoholic because I really enjoy drinking, but I am not living up to the person I know I am. I am wasting my life.
My wife had our first baby a few weeks ago and I thought that would automatically "fix" me. Of course, I was drinking beers in the hospital at night and have been drinking steadily as if nothing changed in my life. I am a good husband and father and thank God that alcohol hasn't yet stripped that from me, but I know it's just a matter of time if I don't quit alcohol for good. I am feeling scared and excited and slightly hungover. I want to be the absolute best father I can to my son and make sure I am always there for him (and my wife).
I work in an old school office where the bar is always full and open at 5. This will be one of the hardest times in the day for me to overcome. I know I need a plan and appreciate any words of wisdom that people have to offer. I have always been stubborn when it comes to getting a sponsor and have a fear that it will take too much of my time. I imagine the time spent with a sponsor is probably miniscule in comparison to the time I waste on booze. Anyway, that's my rant and I'm thankful that this community exists. Thanks for letting me share.