Shepardess: Two things stand out when I read your story. First of all, you say you had a bad experience the first time you went to AA. That's certainly bad luck. But why abandon AA entirely because of that one bad encounter? Might it not be a good idea to shop around a bit and see if there are other AA groups, perhaps other sponsors, which might help you? Why not give it another try? If not AA then perhaps some other group recovery program. Very often it increases the chance of long term recovery if one does not isolate and try to do it on one's own. Which leads me to my second thought. You say that you are a "home" person, that you like to be by yourself, don't rely on others, etc. And yet you also say you spend a lot of time, particularly on weekends, alone drinking. I have a daughter in law who speaks this way, "I'm not a calendar person!" she says, in an effort to explain why she's always late or forgets engagements, never calls back. "I'm a this person, I'm not a that person, etc. etc." What's going on here? It sounds like rationalization. Why not admit that you're an "alcoholic person", that booze has got you by the throat and it's getting worse. That when you say you're not a "this" person or a "that" person but some other kind of person (a "home drinking alcoholic person"?) it's the booze talking. So why not seek help, professional or otherwise, and start out on the road to recovery. Be a "recovery person"!
W.