A tale of two lives
The darkness of my life was prevalent in everything about me. When people met me there was a heaviness to my words. To my whole being.
What we convey with our posture, looks, and even movements is more than our words. And everything about me said I was beaten down. Lost. Sad.
I had no idea of this. I was clueless. I thought I had a good thing going.
So why so lost? What else? I drank 12 - 18 drinks a day by recent calculations. I was popular at the bar (big tipper) so I got doubles as a normal.
I did drugs every weekend. Coke and crack. That started to happen more and more and now during the week.
I was conscious through it all. I saw each moment in black and white, but I saw it. The were no in-betweens.
Each time I called my dealer. Each walk across to the bar. I felt each with a searing stab down to the bone. Yet I was helpless to help myself.
What changed?
I still cannot tell you how i went from being locked in my body to get to here. I am still not sure where here is but I know it not there.
I tried many times to jump start things. Went to two and half rehabs. The half because I thought I knew better and told them off. I was arrogant about my drinking. I knew more about me than they did. Sadly that was not true. I have come to understand I knew far less.
In fact I have humbled myself to accept that even as I type this that I still know far less.
Maybe that's what changed?
I can't call it being humble about drinking. That's not it. It's something more.
AAers call it surrender. AVRT folk call it a big plan.
Labels labels labels... Whatever it is it's the basic ingredient to a better life.
My life now? 100 times better. But that's not good enough. I still slip and I want to put that last nail in. Because then I know things will again multiple to a 1000 times better.
Not that I will have all rainbows and puppies. Not that I don't like either. But I will have confidence in myself. Something I am not sure I ever had in the areas that mattered.
Being a drunk has provided me with a deep appreciation for myself and my life. It's odd that it should be so paradoxical but it is.
I have so far yet to go. SR has helped me a lot... More than anything.
I see so many who are where I was.
I see so many where I want to be.
I see me in both places. I never want to lose that. I won't appreciate anything if I do.