Living a sober life for you, your kids, and your friends, maybe? We all have lost loved ones, but life on earth continues. Your negative attitude may be from the alcohol, which is a depressant. I do understand, I lost my man 4 years ago and it still hurts.
Not sure if you really left rehab because of the asthma medication or if you just wanted to relapse.
Seriously, there is hope, there is life for you to live. Maybe get to an AA meeting and talk to others. Someone there has walked your path before, go talk with them. People care about you or they wouldn't be upset with your choices.
You can stay stopped, too!
Love & hugs,