Mystrongisweak:
You are not alone, yet everyone's story and journey is slightly different. Maybe that's why you are not getting the answers you want.
It sounds like you are in that beginning stage of trying to come to terms with your drinking, emotional and psychological pain and finding a way out. It can be overwhelming and does dredge up a lot of negative feelings and helplessness. This is the first step in the process. Do you have anyone you can talk to honestly about your drinking who will support you and help you to move from thinking to action?
On this site there are a couple of threads that you might want to read to help you start to put together a plan to prepare yourself to stop drinking. Given the amount that you are drinking, medical supervision is strongly advised, including detox.
Many abusers have admitted to themselves on one level or another that they have a problem long before they take action, just as in a bad marriage the signs are there for years before separation.
Here's some of the links:
On detoxing
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
On Recovery Program and Resources
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
I always say knowledge is power, and the more one learns, the more one can be an active participant in one's own healing. If you don't have someone you trust that you can talk to, there are hotlines to call for help.
Good luck during this very painful time and keep coming back. In the beginning, it is baby steps, but for each step you take forward it is progress and those baby steps will turn into leaps and bounds.
Dig deep and you can do it!