Oh bluebonnet, I am so sorry this has been a struggle for you, to the point of feeling embarrassed for continuing to try. I tried for a long time too. It's normal to want to keep trying, and sometimes it takes a while to reach the end of our own rope.
Why does ending things and cutting off all communication frighten you? And I mean beyond what you described above - all of which is easily and quickly fixable. For me, it was scary that it really was THE END. But like you, it took a few posts like yours and re-reading my own words for it all to hit home - how incredibly miserable I was with it all.
I've been "no contact" for several months now, and although I have quite the emotional up and down over it all, I am relieved and grateful to be DONE. I am ready to move forward with a new chapter, and no contact offers me the chance to heal without all the drama and hassle involved. Such a blessing!
Take good care,
~T