Fearful of no contact
I hAven't been on the boards in a while because I was embarrased that I was still trying to be supportive of my ex instead of going NC. I realize now that I have created a monster, and that no matter how much time I spend with him, it's never enough, and that he won't be satisfied until we're back in a relationship. He's so good at manipulating me that I thought that maybe we should go to counseling so that I can overcome my resistance to trusting and loving him again. Seriously?! I gave him plenty of chances, and even now, even though he "did what I wanted" and stopped drinking, he is still exhibiting addictive tendencies and controlling behavior, which i don't need in my life. He's also threatened a couple of times to go out drinking, and implies I would have driven him to it. Any time I end up doing something other than what I'd said I'd be doing, I'm a "liar" and being "a horrible person", when he says he knows how great I can be and how great we can be together, when we do all the things that we (as in I, while he was still an A, not an RA) wanted to do for our lives. Since I'm not living to my full potential as HE sees fit, then I'm not doing what I said I was going to do when I broke things off (i said i needed time to work on ME, but all he does is focus on the couple of times i've grabbed drinks with friends). Geez...just reading all of this makes me realize how much he's been able to twist my thoughts into making ME feel guilty.
Problem is, I'm very fearful of NC. When I didn't call him back Thurs night, I woke up at 5 am to him standing in my bedroom door. I keep forgetting to change the garage code, and apparently had left the garage door to the house unlocked. When I didn't call back Sunday while I was at the pool, he texted and called all day, and was waiting at the house when I got home. I pray every day that my house will sell soon and I can move and cut all ties (although my office will still be an issue). The police weren't helpful in the past because they said I needed an eviction notice. I don't want to live in constant fear, but I also don't want to keep trying to "play nice" because it's adding to my stress level, and I was recently diagnosed with a hormone imbalance.
I guess I'm just looking for advice on how to stay strong and go NC, and what others' experiences have been with the outrage of the RA. I was reading some last night about "dry drunks" and he totally fits the bill. Judgmental, self-righteous and manipulative. He has called 3 times in the time it has taken me to write this post.