Debo,
I am going through the same feelings of sadness over the loss of what the happy family looked like for me and my son and my XA in my own mind. But that happy version existed in one place only, my head. I went for a walk around a lake we used to frequent together, the three of us, and it made me seriously sad.
I had been with XA for five long, LONG years. In those five years, he had never presented himself to me as I WANTED him, he was who he was. To be completely fair to him, he didn't want a girlfriend when I met him. He wasn't in a good financial situation, had just left his home state to get away from some major addictions and although he didn't share those thoughts with me as for the reason 'why he didn't want a girlfriend', I didn't accept them. I pushed him to accept me in his life and so rightfully so, I am as much to blame as him for the continued torture I subjected myself to.
What I am finding in this break-up is that I don't miss him and his disease of alcoholism AT ALL. Not one little. I don't miss the selfishness, the isolation, the loneliness, the mental/verbal/physical abuse, the actions associated with drunken-ness, attending all functions with a man who is out of it and stumbling through all, don't miss the feelings of being angry/mad/bitter/sad/confused/stressed/humiliated/tense almost all the time in his presence.
The only thing I miss about him is what I WANTED him to be but which he never ever proved to me to be or even said he wanted to be for me and his family. He treated me as if I had to remain with him only for the good of our son to have a mother/father in the same household, it was more of an obligation. I feel that my obligations are to my own happiness and my son's happiness at this point. I can NOT be the mom I want to be while living with someone who is an alcoholic.
Another thing I have started to realize is that he would never CHANGE within our relationship. The cycles have repeated themselves so many times and his compulsion to drink and be addicted to something is so strong and he knew I put up with it for so long that there was no other outcome available at this point in our lives. It was either split up and protect me and my child or stay in the same cycle of dysfunction. Maybe he will get sober, but it has to be on his terms, not mine. It has to be for the sake of his own life and hopefully that of our son's in the sense of becoming a responsible father.
I am NOT ready to move on into another relationship at this point in my life, but I do know I will not be alone forever. I have never had a hard time attracting men, but next time around I have to look for red flags and quality of a person's life achievements in terms of being healthy and successful instead of looking for someone I need to 'help'.
Debo, sometimes, although sad, it is just time to move on, expand horizons. Change is hard and when there are kids involved, it is scary not knowing the ultimate outcome. I do know that I will be a healthy, happy mom to my son no matter how much custody the XA is granted. I will try to limit the custody to the best of my ability until he is healthy, but I can't control that entirely either. I do know that if I stayed in that relationship, my own sanity and my own anger may have propelled me to do something stupid eventually that could have had a negative result for myself and my child. I am glad I made the choices I did, even though hard. Letting go of the doubt and sadness and guilt is hard after being manipulated and expected to 'take care' of another human being and to solve their problems for so, so long.