thanks for the replies all...sometimes you need a little help with the burden.
I went out for a walk to do my usual meditation. I thought about the ways that...in a codependent/addict relationship the faith, love and E,S & H (of my own recovery in AA) gets manipulated and twisted. I became a "distraction" for his recovery. I get it all straight in my mind/spirit and feel resolved...
then I came home to messages of amends/apologies/well wishes/his taking responsibility etc. It's his sweetest form of psycho/recovery speak. And then he sends me on my way with wishes that "I find that person I'm looking for". It just re-wounds, re-creates doubt, re-minds me of his better half...
and THEN I come here, and I get reminded, and assured, and en-courage-d
thank you for all of your words.
I do, fortunately, have circles of community and am involved with service...
it's the nightly dinner table, the empty canoe, too much room on the couch with a movie, the solo gardening...
I guess that list is just part of my self pity, and I need to remember the cost there was that accompanied his company...