lizatola

I'm having trouble with my codependent self right now. I am home now after my 1 month away and I can actually say I am HAPPY. Truly joyful. And, I could care less what AH does or doesn't do right now. I honestly found a lot of peace just being away and realizing that if I choose to stay married, that's OK and that it might not look like a normal marriage but that's OK too. I also realized that I could choose to separate or divorce and that would be OK, too. It's all OK, and I have my Higher Power to thank for that. Now, here's my dilemma.

I am planning on having a talk with my AH later this week. I am going to tell him where I'm at emotionally, etc in the marriage. I'm also going to tell him that I'm not going to Costa Rica. The only boundary I want to set is that I am done accepting unacceptable behavior and that I won't live under the same roof with him if he continues to drink. Now, I know he'll lie and tell me he is done drinking and I know he'll find a way to try to weasel out of it and tell me he won't drink in front of me, etc. Blah, blah, quack, quack. I am done buying into his crap and I think he'll know it because I am prepared to be nice, be loving, speak kindly without accusations or malice, and I intend to speak from my heart. If he can't absorb words said in love even if they are hard to hear, that's his problem.

I was in Florida and I said these words to myself, "I'd rather live in my car than live in the same house with him if he continues to drink and put our family at risk." It was then that I knew I meant it and that I'd figure it out if I need to move out temporarily. I am possibly thinking that I could make a temporary move back to FL because it really was beneficial for my son's tennis training but it would be expensive and I'm not sure I want to swing it. In all this, I say temporary because I really don't want my marriage to end. If temporary becomes permanent, that's in my Higher Power's hands as I can't predict the future. I can only state how I feel today, where I want to be tomorrow(emotionally, spiritually, and physically) and grow from there. I want to grow, I want to trust God fully, and I have so much peace in these decisions that I really don't care what his reaction will be.

So, I keep wondering, though, if I am giving an ultimatum? I know it won't go well either way. He doesn't take well to boundary setting anyway, so maybe it doesn't matter. I guess I want to make sure that I am doing it FOR ME and my son, not to punish AH and his behavior. He can choose how he reacts and those are his choices.

It's funny. Last night we were watching TV and a political ad came on and he starts blathering about the lies and contradictions on the ad. I said, "You know, I really don't care for any of the candidates at this point. They're all a bunch of liars." He said something in a sarcastic retort that basically stated: I don't like your response, you don't agree with me, so now I'll go hide in my office. Honestly, I forgot what he said but it was along the lines of, "Whatever, why'd I say anything anyway?" He didn't like the fact that I didn't want to get into a political discussion and that I stated my own opinion which, obviously, was different from his. So, he went to his office to go do 'work' and hide.
He also decided to snap at me earlier in the day when I asked about his breathalyzer because he had to take the car to get an oil change. He just kept snapping, "I got this. I know what to do." Geez, I was just trying to make conversation. Note to self: don't talk about the interlock device, UGH!