Feeling like the scapegoat once again
Hi folks, it's been a while since I was here. Moved to a new house, became the mother of a teenager, and have been working to start my own business. Phew!
It's been 3.5 months since I asked AXBF to move out because of his drinking, and we've had very little contact since then, because I didn't want to talk to him. In the past week or so, we had some friendly email exchanges in which he said he's been sober for over two months, that he's been focused on staying sober and repairing the damage he did to his loved ones, and apologized for how he treated me when drinking. However, he is not in AA or any other recovery program.
I agreed after 3.5 months to talk to him on the phone, as friends, last Saturday. Of course, Saturday comes and goes and no call from him. He emails me Sunday and says he went on a two-day bender after two months of being dry. Because his job is awful and the stress is unbearable. And....because he was so nervous about talking to me, but added that "of course, it is not your fault that I drank."
We very briefly talked last night and I could tell that he is in the desperate emotional state of someone coming off a bender. I had nothing to say except "I think you should go to AA" while he just ranted about how stressful his job is, how he can't stand living with his brother anymore, etc. Didn't even ask me how I was, how my day was, etc. Of course.
I emailed after our talk and said that I hope he goes to AA but I can't deal with his stress at this point and that we can't be in contact.
So I feel okay. Except...the fact that his bender after two months of not drinking coincided with talking with me really upsets me. I feel that, despite what he said, he is essentially telling me that I caused him to relapse. We haven't been together in 3.5 months and have had almost no contact in that time. So how could the thought of making a simple, friendly phone call to me cause him to relapse?!
I don't buy it. But I do feel that icky, shamed feeling once again of being blamed for causing him stress and driving him to drink, just like when we were together. I need words of comfort, peeps. I need to shake this feeling.