I totally get what you are saying. I went through the highs and lows of pain pill addiction for over a decade. I would withdrawl, suffer through it-then start right back up as soon as I could get my hands on some. I told myself that I was a super Mom on these things-and without them I was just a mess. I felt flat even after detoxing, which is why I always went back.-
This last time I got clean I knew I had had enough of this vicious cycle. It was getting me nowhere in life and everything in my life had stopped at a standstill. I got clean and about three months into being clean I broke my elbow. It was extremely painful and I had just started a new job. I had three doctors offer me vicodin-Somehow at that point I was able to resist and say no. I know I can't take just one pill like other people can. I would have started the cycle up all over again.
I don't know how long it's been since I haven't used honestly-Life has been so good and I don't think about pills anymore on a daily basis. I just know that I can't ever take even one.-It will throw me into the cycle of death if I do. I do keep that thought at the top of my mind whenever I feel weak.