Great thread Learn2Live! I definitely see elements of AH's traits in what you all have shared here (absolutely no impulse control, feelings of absolute inadequacy) & interestingly I had just recently heard the phrase "arrested development" in relation to alcoholics & have been seeking information on this over the last few days.
AH started drinking at 15-16 while living in Germany on a US military base with his newly formed stepfamily; his mom remarried quickly after his dad was killed suddenly in a work accident & all of the illusions of his childhood came down like a house of cards.... practically overnight, he is dealing with losing his dad & realizing things haven't really been good at home for years anyway & his mom moves them into a whole new life, new family in a new country. He already had poor coping skills & a terrible self-definition.... easy to fall into a bad crowd, bad choices, etc. His desire to rebel was pretty high & he's being thrown full force into living a military family's lifestyle. (His Stepdad was in Desert Storm) He submerged himself in alcohol for about 2 years.
He didn't drink consistently until much, much later....he really didn't drink at all for many years, only socially and rarely to excess. But eventually he did slide further & further into the active part of this addiction. Now that he is sober for nearly a year, I can see that his emotional awareness is that of an adolescent... that even though I am talking to my 38 yr-old husband, he's receiving the info as a 17 yr old boy. And bonus! He still has to deal with all those reasons he was drinking himself into oblivion at that age in the 1st place - holding his mom accountable, separating his self-worth from the situations & people in his life. Dealing with his problems with authority. It's a big part of the distance we have in our recoveries & I've been seeking (but not finding) info on how a recovering A can/does recover this part of their development as well. I don't doubt that it CAN happen, but it's so intangible & not something you can put a timeline on especially when not every addict has the same recovery in terms of their history, support, acceptance, relapses, etc.
It helps to understand that he is frustrated with his inability to mature overnight & handle things better simply out of the desire to be able to. It helps to understand there may be things he simply can't correct, that whole damaged frontal lobe thing. It doesn't make it easier, but I always handle things more impeccably when I understand them more fully & can set more realistic expectations.
Just MY experience at this point. I've been making some pretty big strides in my own healing over the last 3-4 days so this is all part of a big jumbled half-mess in my head right now,
