Originally Posted by Buffalo66

UNtangle, I had stayed with my exRAH for years, and he got sober 2 years ago. Like Katie,though I have come to learn that he most definitely suffers from a Personality Disorder. This sounds kind of benign, but, I think if you read up on it, you will see some signs and symptoms.
The BLATANT terrible stuff like cheating and lying pretty much stopped at first,with his sobriety... and the emotional connection was there in fleeting moments.
But after only a few months there was an extreme and overriding air of ENTITLEMENT that he could not seem to even SEE>

It was hurtful and heartbreaking, at first, then just became unworkable.
It was hard when he was a drunk and mostly not present and I was doing all of the parenting, but I had no idea how much harder it would be to do all the parenting and relationship work while he was sober and present. The resentment hit an all time high.

It blew. I thought, "Oh...dry drunk syndrome: he needs to go to more meetings."

No. Thats sugarcoating a bad situation. The symptoms of Dry Drunk are the same as a PD. The pathological self centeredness, the entitlemnet, the grandiosity and exaggeration of their contributions and successes. It is the stuff that we do everyday, and they want an award for it. YEs, you are supposed to cater to his fears and needs even if the kid is in peril. Unbelievable, but it happens.

Truth is, diagnosis, dry drunk ,PD...It doesn't matter. You may feel a great obligation to stay, and to work with him, because, if you are like me you probably struggled and fought for him to get sober and take care of himself. You may have been deluded into thinking that the alcohol was the problem.

Many alcoholics have dual diagnosis, meaning they have addiction issues, which are comorbid/masking a deeper psychological/mental imbalance.

I my exHs case, he was and is anxious in an otherworldly way. He shpould be on anxiety meds, but his insistence is that he is anxious, but he will treat it as a neurological disorder, because he is too proud to admit that he has mental or emotional imbalances.

That is unworkable. The stress brought into the home with a sober him, in many ways was greater than when he was running around town. Biggest difference, the behavior now cannot be written off to alcohol use/addiction.

I put him out of the house at 5 months clean, then he came back (had figured a lot of stuff out...) Then it just got worse, severe panic behavior, but too proud to admit it, so scapegoating and our S7 was suffering from the high stress.

i put him out again. This time for good. He was acting manic, he refused to get real help. Now he is obssessive and controlling from across town.

He will not get well until he is ready, and just like with the alcohol he has to hit a bottom with it. It has to hurt him more than the denial does.
I cannot afford anymore of those stressful days turning into years aging me and damaging our sons world view. NOpe.

Not worth it.