Kate...I call this "Score Carding" in my relationship with one of my alcoholics.
I am guilty of it too, unfortunately.
I often feel like my alcoholic "fishes" for information...only to turn it on me later. Things that happened ages ago...thrown back in my face at random moments.
As he got sicker...so did I. I too am guilty of screaming craziness like, "OH! OK! So you're just going to leave and go sleep with someone else!!!!????"
Or, "No, sure...go have a bunch of beers...so I can find you passed out cold again on the floor." (Happened two years ago...)
My point is...I think this happens when there is A LOT of hurt...that we just can't deal with. It's an attempt to "even the score"...of emotional pain...
I can't tell you what your RABF is thinking...but I know that when I have caught MYSELF doing it...its when I'm feeling very sad and very hurt...and all my mental B.S. comes flying out.
Its not an excuse...
I just wanted to share a different perspective...because I know I've been guilty of this.