Originally Posted by
ZiggyB 
Hiya Learn2Live-
I can totally sympathize with your pain as I was going through the same thing. Beating up on myself for all the dumb things he said to me, I should have been neater, I should have been more outgoing, I should have been nicer to his friends (they were alcoholics too, I was trying to avoid them), I should have been more sympathetic. It does wear down on your self-esteem after a while but I realized he would never be happy no matter WHAT I did, because of his drinking he was a miserable grouch and I was the one getting stomped all over like a doormat while he continued to drink like a lunatic no matter what I said. Constant chaos is their modus operandi!
No, it is not your fault! As long as you are in a relationship with an addict there is a third party in your relationship and that's the substance abuse. Do you know how many nights I spent feeling sorry for myself thinking, "Dang it, he loves Grey Goose more than he loves me" ?
I had to go to a therapist to get my OWN thinking straightened out. Please stop blaming yourself for what happened, I've been doing much of the same thing but I know it isn't my fault either! Falling in love with an alcoholic sucks. Hang in there....
Thank you for sharing
ZiggyB.
XABF had no friends. I don't know why. His only friends were me and his sister. He avoided the people at work at first because they were all heavy drinkers and partiers, they would drink at work. And he wanted to be clean and sober in the beginning. But I think he relapsed on the pot some time ago. I don't know when but he started having red eyes every day. And started acting strange.
It did wear down my self-esteem. But he had been so in love with me and that really boosted my self-esteem. And I think when he stopped giving me attention, my self-esteem plummeted. And I began to feel horrible about myself, unattractive, unlovable. Just horrible. I have become a different person from who I was before we met. When we met, I was in the BEST place I had EVER been in my entire life. And now, I am back to square one.
I feel so ashamed that he walked out on me. Who could possibly understand this?