Originally Posted by
SuzyMarie 
L2L, I am sorry you are feeling this way. Your posts and sharing have helped me a great deal lately. You're not alone. I will have a few days of such clarity and then regress to thinking that I was not worth enough for my ex to embrace recovery, if only I didn't lose my temper, if only I tried to understand him more, if only I went to Al Anon years ago (he actually tried to blame everything on the fact that I didn't!), if only I could control whether the sun shone that day..lol!! Ugh. And then I have the fantasy that he will truly embrace recovery for someone else after all I went through (poor pitiful me, huh?). Like you, I also needed "quiet" and he was FAR from that! I thought I was too uptight because I could not deal with the constant chaos! I know for me all of these feelings are old childhood wounds resurfacing that I didn't fully deal with. I was reading today how these painful feelings in recovery can mean we are letting go of old ways of coping and trying to learn new ones. If we deny ourselves our greatest pain , we will keep ourselves from our deepest joy. This actually did bring me comfort. You will get through this. You have a lot to offer and I really appreciate your sharing on these boards. Big hugs to you!
SuzyMarie, thank you so much for your kind and loving words. They truly touch my heart. I wish I had some moments of clarity but my feelings overwhelm me. I feel dead inside. I also thought I was too uptight because I couldn't deal with the constant chaos. Day after day it was problem and problem, complaint after complaint and I tried to teach him everything I know to help him calm down, help him relieve some of his anxiety. But he would never stick with any of it, even though he said he liked these things and wanted to do them every night (like yoga and deep breathing and other relaxation methods). Thank you so much for sharing all you shared in your post. I don't feel so alone.