Hiya Learn2Live-
I can totally sympathize with your pain as I was going through the same thing. Beating up on myself for all the dumb things he said to me, I should have been neater, I should have been more outgoing, I should have been nicer to his friends (they were alcoholics too, I was trying to avoid them), I should have been more sympathetic. It does wear down on your self-esteem after a while but I realized he would never be happy no matter WHAT I did, because of his drinking he was a miserable grouch and I was the one getting stomped all over like a doormat while he continued to drink like a lunatic no matter what I said. Constant chaos is their modus operandi!
No, it is not your fault! As long as you are in a relationship with an addict there is a third party in your relationship and that's the substance abuse. Do you know how many nights I spent feeling sorry for myself thinking, "Dang it, he loves Grey Goose more than he loves me" ?
I had to go to a therapist to get my OWN thinking straightened out. Please stop blaming yourself for what happened, I've been doing much of the same thing but I know it isn't my fault either! Falling in love with an alcoholic sucks. Hang in there....