L2L, I am sorry you are feeling this way. Your posts and sharing have helped me a great deal lately. You're not alone. I will have a few days of such clarity and then regress to thinking that I was not worth enough for my ex to embrace recovery, if only I didn't lose my temper, if only I tried to understand him more, if only I went to Al Anon years ago (he actually tried to blame everything on the fact that I didn't!), if only I could control whether the sun shone that day..lol!! Ugh. And then I have the fantasy that he will truly embrace recovery for someone else after all I went through (poor pitiful me, huh?). Like you, I also needed "quiet" and he was FAR from that! I thought I was too uptight because I could not deal with the constant chaos! I know for me all of these feelings are old childhood wounds resurfacing that I didn't fully deal with. I was reading today how these painful feelings in recovery can mean we are letting go of old ways of coping and trying to learn new ones. If we deny ourselves our greatest pain , we will keep ourselves from our deepest joy. This actually did bring me comfort. You will get through this. You have a lot to offer and I really appreciate your sharing on these boards. Big hugs to you!