RobbyRobot

You know, here's my thinking on fault, control, and surrender. I'm a hard headed person too, and my experience with getting sober for good and all required me to put away and cease 're-living' my fault/blame/guilt justifications and experiences. Re-hashing these experiences only served to keep me drinking. Like a squirrel in a running cage, I just kept chasing myself, seeking my own absolution, hoping to earn my own style of redemption. I was assuredly at-fault of drinking, of course, and so I rightfully deserved my punishments... it seemed obvious... so true to my deluded thinking.

Well, in a word, NOT.

At the time, I couldn't understand how to work with blame and guilt. I was sure one had to be honest and as much as possible feel guilty and mentally suffer while feeling guilty, otherwise one was being a coward, and irresponsible. Well, I was wrong. Constantly feeling guilty simply beat me up enough where only getting drunk could possibly help me forget my troubles.

And even feeling better while drinking/being drunk didn't last, as we all realise, and so of course I ended right back where I started -- feeling at-fault for my drinking.

Spitting in God's eye didn't help me either, my screaming at God with "Is that all you got?? Give me your best shot!! Stop all this fvcking around and let's finish this already!!" -- again only served to justify my angry resentments and self-loathings on the lousy depths of betrayal of my inner beliefs I had sunk to. I was living like a lost soul in a sea of lost dreams. Drinking again became the only solution to my problem, so I thought, so i believed, so I followed through, and so I kept drinking.

It became clearer each day I was gonna stay drunk more and more unending. I had nothing else to do except be drunk as a solution to my problems, even though I knew drinking only made everything worse, no matter, drunk was better then sober, so drink i did, playing the blame game.

Dying drunk and being dead are two faces of the same coin. I would get flashes of not wanting to be a dead drunk. I had lost so much of everything I loved, and to know I was gonna finally lose my life too within my self-hatred was just to much to take... and so I finally surrendered to my alcoholism. I finally and forever more accepted I was not going to stop drinking even though my death was the final result. As I really embraced my surrender, I also found myself holding a new coin. This one being forged, machined, and struck out of my alcoholism. One face of a sans-alcohol life, the other of a drunken death. Clearly, alcoholism had me cold. No way out. Either die drunk or be a drunk that lives sans-alcohol.

So I surrendered to a life of sobriety. I discovered all my playing with blame/guilt/resentments lost all importance as I stayed sober. My relationship with God changed into a new relationship with a different understanding and this brought to me different spiritual results.

I didn't surrender to wanting sobriety more than wanting to be drunk. I surrendered to my not wanting to die drunk, accepting that, and so only living a life without alcohol would really guarantee my not dying drunk. So be it. At the time, I didn't care whatever about sobriety. Later on within my first few months of not drinking, I discovered my earlier not caring offered me a completely open mind to new ideas and new responsibilities of doing the next right thing to ensure i never went back to being drunk. So my journey started and continues...

And I never did go back. I never will.

MysteriousGrl, there is more to your present struggles than being at-fault for drinking. I'm sure you'll discover you're absolutely worth so much more then a plea of guilty and a death sentence. Alcoholism is the thing here to look at and deal with, and not so much who is to blame for whatever. I hope all the best for you as you come into your sobriety.