I'm not your age and maybe I don't qualify. But let me say this. I've been right where you are and, although you may not agree, I know what you're going through. I still have nightmares about it after many years. You're deeply depressed and something inside you is trying to tell you that you don't deserve to get sober. Make no mistake about it. That something, deep inside your brain, wants you to keep drinking because, due to your addiction, your body needs alcohol just like a man in the desert needs water.
You have two choices. The first is to keep feeling so ashamed of yourself, so "guilty", so filled with self hatred, that you give in to that voice and continue to drink. The other choice is a very, very hard one to make and you're going to need some help, both from a professional, if you can manage that, and from others who have managed to get some recovery time. You won't like to do this at first, because your inner voices will be thinking up all kinds of reasons why you shouldn't do it. Like "I don't fit in with this crowd!' "They seem like a lot of self righteous completely boring people!" etc. etc. It's going to require a lot of sheer guts on your part.
If you give up then you can continue sliding down the slope. It gets steeper and it gets harder to get out as you go. But there is always a way out, that is if you want it very much or if you need it to get back your self respect, your happiness. It's there if you want it.
W.