(((((((((((Adventure)))))))))))))))
My heart goes out to you.
It sounds like you're grieving the end of your marriage even though you haven't physically left yet or filed for divorce. There's a window of time where we know we can't go back to the way things were but we're scared to step forward into the unknown. Grief is a process. It will run its course in due time. You're as powerless over the grieving process as you are over your AH's drinking. Take extra gentle loving care of yourself. Your grief won't last forever. You'll work your way though it at your own pace and in your own time.
It IS sad. It's sad to know that our loved ones are unwilling or incapable or both of change. But that doesn't mean we can't change. You ARE changing. You ARE growing. Keep looking forward. Better days lie ahead.
Mary