Scared and sad
Hi all
Not sure why I’m posting – I suppose just looking to get some stuff out of my system. I started viewing places last night for me to move to. I am very good at talking the talk, and saying I’m outta there and that, and I’ve got to this point on several occasions over the last couple of years. Viewing houses/apartments, saying I’m interested, and then chickening out at the last minute.
Mentally, this is the closest I’ve ever got to going, but I’m still absolutely petrified. I’m starting to worry if I can afford it, if I’ll be lonely (HA as if I can be any lonelier than I’ve been for the last few years), if it’s going to open a humongous emotional can of worms for me, if my AH will be able to cope, if he’ll lose the plot completely, and even if he’ll survive.
I’m also filled with overwhelming sadness. The reality is kicking in that this is the end of the dream and I just can’t believe it. I’m also so, so sad for AH. He is even more of a lost soul now than ever before. In spite of everything, part of me wants to just hold him and tell him to help himself, and to get better, and to be ok again. He too is petrified, it’s written all over him. I think he knows that I’m planning to go, and he has been panicking, trying to be a good boy, trying to keep reminding me how he adores me and needs me (believe me, I know this is total BS and quacking). But I can’t help feeling so sorry for him that he can’t find it in himself to want to get better.
Finally, to top it all off, it’s my fifth wedding anniversary tomorrow. I have never cared about any of my anniversaries before , but for some reason today this is really getting to me. I suppose it’s because I’m emotional anyway and it’s just one other thing to add to the list of things to be sad about.
Anyway, if you managed to stick with the post, thanks for reading. Just needed to get it all off my chest, and hopefully avoid waterworks at my desk for the day.
Adventure