Greetings Everyone
For the past week and a half, I have been isolating myself from everyone and just going through the motions. My feelings have been hurt from one of my friends completely abandoning me for no apparent reason. I really did not want to process those emotions. I really suppressed my emotions and sad feelings for a couple of reasons.
1.) I knew that eventually I would be just fine. I figured if I just let it go and just tried to be happy...the sad feelings would go away.
2.) I did not want to burden anyone with my sad/gloomy feelings. I also couldn't quite figure out where the blues came from. It took a lot of processing to figure it out.
3.) I was scared to use my Al-Anon phone list. For those of you who have not attended a F2F, we all get a list of phone numbers that we can call when we are not in a meeting and we need support.
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Today I *finally* broke out of my shell.
I cried tears I did not even know I needed to cry. First thing in the morning I saw my counselor. I was trying to be all stoic and emotionless. And I managed to do so up until the end of the session. Ah, but she knows me oh too well, and I suspect I am not really all that awesome at being stoic and emotionless. So, she hugged me and told me I would be okay. And I am not sure where the hell it came from but huge
body cringing sobs came out. My whole body cried. I didn't even know that I needed that release.
So, the session ended and I told her I would call my sponsor. I called my sponsor, she picked me up, and we headed to a bakery. I had some yummy comfort food. I talked about my emotions and how I've been suppressing them. Let out some more tears, had some comfort food and chai tea.
My sponsor really helped me to stop judging my emotions and just feel them. That things were going to be okay and I didn't have to do so much work to try and be okay. She reminded me, like always, to stay in the present moment. That everything is actually okay right now. She also reminded me that I have come a long way and I am on the right path.
We wrapped up our talk and headed to the 12:00 meeting. After the traditional opening and the readings of the ODAT (One Day at a Time) books, I brought my topic up.
(Again, for those who have not attended a meeting, after the opening, if there are no newcomers, and it is not a step meeting where we work through the steps, anyone may bring a topic of their choosing up to get feedback on an issue they may or may not be having.) I told everyone that I have been isolating and I need encouragement to use the phone list. I started crying...
again. After hearing all the loving encouragement at the end of the meeting I cried through the closing and then I boohoo sobbed again. I just needed to let it out and in that room with those people I am safe to do so. In that room I do not have to be ashamed of my emotions. It is a healthy and safe place to release. I am so glad I went.
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Today, I had the courage to change. I had the courage to reach out and receive the kind of love and support I needed and deserved. Up until today, I was holding back because reaching out has been so traumatic for me in the past. I never had safe people I can really reach out to before. It feels good to have Al-Anon as my resource and my home base. Now, I am learning to trust in the program and I am learning to let it work for me.
See, growing up in a household of alcoholics,
there was no safe place to let out feelings and be nurtured. There was no safe place to vent and have someone listen to me. Leaving that household, I took my lack of security with me. I had no boundaries and I did not understand what safe people look like or what healthy sharing is like.
Now I have the
courage to change that initial programming. I have the courage to reach out in a healthy way and be *acknowledged.*
At Al-Anon, I am a person who deserves to be supported and nurtured. At Al-Anon, I have a voice and people not only hear it, but listen. I have the courage to make sure I see my counselor for my scheduled appointments. I have the courage to change my early programming, to let go of my unhealthy ways prior to seeking help, and I have to courage to change by embracing what Al-Anon has to offer.
Thank you for listening and I hope I gave
at least one person the courage to do the same. Sometimes we hold onto our negative and it is scary to put it down and step into the unknown. It is *not* about the A in your life, it is about you. Do it for you. You have the courage within you to change, it is all about utilizing it.
I had the courage deep within me, I just had to tap into it.
Thank you once again for listening to my testimony. I am a lucky girl to have Al-Anon and 90,000+ SR members behind my back.
I will continue to spread as much love and light as I can.
Lily
