lizatola

Yep, yep, yep. I am working with my therapist on this one big time right now. No need to spitball, I figured this out years ago but was too afraid to even address it. My dad has passed away a few months ago and shortly before he passed I realized that I needed to work on a lot of things. He wasn't a bad man, and I know he loved his kids, but he was emotionally unavailable and very selfish. He kept a box of porn under the stairs in the basement and my sister found them when she was 9(they weren't hidden very well) and I got addicted to reading it after school when I was 16. My dad became an alcoholic and escaped to the bars and to the firehouse(he was a volunteer firefighter) when he wanted to get away. My mom said recently that when she asked him for a divorce that he acted like he didn't even realize there was anything wrong. My AH is the same way: "What do you mean we have problems? Everything's fine. You're overreacting, it's not that bad."

If you saw what I posted about my sister, we have both come to realize how our marriages are our ill attempts to fulfill what we couldn't fix about daddy. If you think I'm codependent, she takes it to a higher level and she knows it. She took her husband back last winter when he gave her an STD while she was pregnant!!!! And, she still thought she could save her marriage and kept him around. It took HIM leaving for her to wake up and realize what an a** he really is and she still sometimes talks about reconciliation(which makes my skin crawl, quite frankly). Anyway, we're both messed up but we're both encouraging each other in our journeys of self exploration now and I'm learning so much about myself. The question is; how am I going to move forward? What is my Higher Power's will for me? I pray daily for that guidance and for that courage to change.