Originally Posted by
dbh 
Dear Deuce:
I'm not sure if I can add anything to the experience and wisdom that was already contributed to this thread. However, I can relate to this topic. It reminds me so much of who I was when I first started my own recovery. I'm an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACA) and I started to attend meetings when my life began to spiral out of control because I spent all my time worrying about what others (mostly members of my extended family) should be doing with their lives.
I've also been triggered by this thread. Just reading about the chaos between the mom, her son, and now you and your husband reminded me how awful it was when I was stuck in an orbit of codependency and dysfunctional relationships.
The last codependent relationship that I broke free of involved my brother. He is not an addict, but I believe that he suffers from a mental illness which was exasperated by growing up in an alcoholic home.
He is good looking, smart, funny, and well educated. Yet, he just can't seem to function well. He lost a high paying job and lived off savings for years. During this time period, my mother, sister, and I were determined to help him. We would tell him what he needed to do. We would read up on what we thought he had. We would feel bad for him. We would worry, worry, worry! We would talk for hours on the phone about what to do next.
You know what, nothing that we did helped him. If anything, I think all of our "helping" probably made things worse for him. It's not empowering to have people tell you what you should do. If anything, it makes you feel less capable. I started to realize that I was actually part of the problem, not part of the solution.
He stopped returning calls and I started thinking that a break would be good for both of us/all of us. We haven't spoken to each other in over two years, but guess what - he's still maintaining a part-time job and he's not homeless! I'm also hoping that he is gaining back some of his dignity by not having family members hovering over him assuming we knew what he should do with his life more than him.
So I say the following with the understanding that I have been in a similar place as you...
1) Your home is not a rehab center.
2) You're not a grief counselor.
You're not qualified to treat this young man and if anything you and your husband are just enlarging the circle of their dysfunctional family.
It's not your job to find books for them to read, groups for them to join, or therapists to see. This is extremely unhealthy behavior. Have they even asked you to help them with these things?
I would like to recommend a book for YOU - "Codependency No More" by Melody Beattie.
Do you have children? I just wonder what is happening with the people and things in your life while you take on this "project".
I think you said that your husband was also an addict. Did you attend Al-Anon? Is he attending meetings and working a program?
Wishing you the best.
db
Hi DBH,
No we dont have any kids yet. Its just the two of us & two dogs.
So no one is getting neglected, and I havent changed my routine.
I mean I did take protective measures and lock up my good jewelry, and all of the electronics that arent being used, no cash lying around.
I have spent a fair amount of time reading up on grief and addiction these last couple weeks. Thats how I found SR here.
Yes, my husband used cocaine on a recreational basis for quite a few years. Before I met him, when we were dating, after we got married. Some here would no doubt call him an addict, but he used only a couple times a month; usually with friends, and although I never condoned him using it; his use never progressed. He didnt have true addict behaviors, didnt lie about it, or anything. It did have a somewhat negative effect on our relationship and on him though, because for those few days he would cop an attitude, and then he would crash and get depressed for several days. Moodiness I guess is the best definition.
He has not used in several years now, and I think maybe he just grew out of it. Didnt want to waste weekend time on it, and finally realized the upsa and downs were not worth the short high.
No, I never went to Al-Anon. I didnt really harass him about his using. I mean i knew he used when I got invovled with him. I just let him do his thing a couple times a month, and I would do whatever I wanted too.
I know most everyone here thinks its a mistake that we have let him come and stay with us, but you know I still dont really feel that way. Maybe I will as things go along and if I get burned by him, and exposed to lots of drama between him and his mom.
I dont want to fix him. I think my husband does want to try to teach him how to fix himself. I think he feels like he has some insight because he used drugs and quit. I think he feels compassion because his dad was a close friend, and a very loving and generous man. So if my husband needs to do this, then I think it is ok.
I dont see anything wrong with giving him a place to stay, and letting him eat with us, and having him hang out with my husband. I mean if it does happen to help him see things differently, and keeps him stable so he continues going to his counseling sessions, then maybe he wont have to reach a worse bottom where he really suffers becasue of his drug use and drinking.
Im also ready to accept, we could be doing all the wrong things for him.
In that case, Ill gladly accepta bunch of ' i told you so's '
I think I answered all your questions, not sure. Tried to. Thank you for taking the time to share your experience and for the suggestions,