I just don't know........
Hi folks,
Firstly, thanks for taking the time to read this, I know as I start typing it's probably not a quick one so I apologise ahead of time and will happily try to return the favour.........
Ok so......In the last 27 months, I'm lucky if I've had 10 days free from alcohol. Ok, maybe not extreme amounts, but definitely an absolute minum of 3-4 UK sized beers of 500ml (bare minimum) every night in 27 months upto stupid amounts of 22 pints of beer at times if out with pals at a weekend (though that really is an extreme), for the first 3 months I worked with another 8 contractors, I lived out of what we'd call a b&B in the uk, a cheap hotel with a bar in this case. We'd finish at 5, head to the bar, stay there til 1am and be told to go to bed by the owner. I'd wake at 8 feeling hungover, not the best of starts, but by 5pm, everything was rosy again. Met g/f on that one, she was working with me on contract, we moved in together and kept the habit up for the next year and a half every single night until we split. Typically, 4-6 beers or 8 smirnoff ice or 3 bottles of wine between us, it tended to vary but there was always alcohol involved. Restricting factors: we had to work, I had to drive. I need to drive in the morning to work and couldn't afford to lose my licence though took stupid chances at times. I'm a contractor, one month I could be working as I am close to where I live right now (10 miles, 15km), but the next I could be 500 miles (750 km) away and MUST have my car to make it out to these places.
Sorry, I think I'm deluding myself here, the original question was "do I have a problem" (though really I know that I'm the only one that can answer that and the fact I'm asking is a big pointer). I tried that stupid 20 question test available on the net, ended up with 13 yes's and a few very fragiles no's where I could say sometimes.....the other yes's? Is that really what I have to look forward to?
Ah jeez, I think I've already convinced myself there's an issue, esp when I'm on here on a Friday night alone, sitting having had a bottle of red wine or two as usual (as is now the habit), one gone in 2 hours and opening another as we speak. I drink more than my mates even if we start at the same time, I'm never happy to stop until I go to sleep, if I do stop, I try substitution with coffee/tea and cigs, it's never the same though. I wake up every morning thinking ok, no more drink until the weekend, I finish each day in work earlier and earlier saying ok just tonight, it's been a hard day, I'm ok, I can stop any time I want.
Am I an alcoholic? Hmmm, I know alcoholics, I've seen them p*ss their lives away, is this the start of a downward spiral? Ummm, if your way to get through this was to find god, I'm happy for you, but please don't tell me that it would help me, I know what I believe in and I believe in me, I think I just lot the plot for a while and am heading down quickly, well actually I think it's very slow in a way I have only just picked up on.
I don't think I qualify for AA yet, actually maybe I do, but please give your advice if you think I do, I don't want to turn up and hear someone say "don't be stupid, come back when you've properly ruined your life". Ok, they wouldnt, I know that, but to me AA is one of those things where someone's hit rock bottom and it's taken them to hit rock bottom to realise they have a problem. Me: yeh I guess I do drink too much, I'm sorta in denial, my life's still ok money wise, personally it sucks, I don't see people from one week to the next, family are 500 miles away, nearest mates are 100 miles away, I don't expect to stay here for that long so never got round to meeting new friends, started gym, instead I found alcohol which was more fun and easier to do, I'd like to stop, but man I can't and I've tried........I like it too much, I know I can't control it, I don't drink to get wasted, I just drink to get happy and back to how I used to be in life, it's been a long time since I was happy......I promise myself that I'll stop for 7 days just to see that I can, at most I manage a day and think "noooo, it's work, I'm tired, they've sapped my will to work, I'll have a few wines/beers to de-stress and it'll all be better". Problem is really that it's now the norm.....I get over disappointment in myself by having a drink and blaming work instead!
Soz, I typed more than I meant to, I actually think I understand the pain of what you recovering folks have went through and managed to beat (even if it's day by day, as corny and cr*p as it sounds, it's a day more than me so far at least), maybe I'm not worthy of the forum, no idea really, I'm happy to take the abuse of "don't be so stupid, come back when you're a real drunk", I praise you's for what you've managed, I really really do, I just don't know if I can............I'm reaching the crossroads of knowing I got an issue, I just don't know what to do about it - relationship to solve it: don't think so, I'd just convert them to the dark side, oh I dunno, it just feels like a massive failure to admit that I need to seek help...........yeh I'm too proud on at least 3 levels.......
Anyways, if you got through that, a) you deserve a medal, b) ta for listening and appreciate comments.......soz for length, I just wasn't sure where to turn for advice cos nobody really knows yet, but lets just say that mates are are starting to notice I drink lots more n takes me a while to be life n soul of the party....
Laters,
S x