hi mike, my heart goes out to you. i remember literally begging the universe/god whatever, to take this cyclical, seemingly self induced issue away from me. i could not understand how i could just beat the crap out of myself that way. why did i do it? and moreover how could i (quite literally) forget less than a day or two later and do it again?
i'll tell you what and i am not endorsing anything by saying this, but if you read chapter 2 of the big book from AA i bet you will relate to it even if you never set foot in a meeting. it literally blew my mind that someone else had thought these thoughts before. when you're an alcoholic in a sea of non alcoholics no one says anything like this out loud. in fact i always felt like people would think i was out of my mind if i told them about the torment that went on in my head. for some reason that chapter made me realize how many people out there have felt exactly that way. now i just keep reading stories on SR or otherwise, any book i can get my hands on, watching intervention...anything i can do to keep feeling supported ALL the time. there is so much out there if you look for it.
i feel like SR helped to save my life, so keep talking and i bet you'll be amazed and grateful for what you hear and how we've all been there done that too. ((hugs))