Hi Bobcat. Firstly I do appreciate the time you take to respond to me and I believe a genuine concern to rescue someone like me by sharing your experience and lessons. I truly respect this and your blunt honesty. I am learning fast that here on SR there is no room for ‘sugar coating’ and no point taking ‘offence’ to members comments – as everyone here is just trying to support and encourage with sharing the truth – not matter how hard hitting. So if you could just bare with me a little whilst I ‘absorb’ all of the information.
You made a few statements, based obviously on your experience, and I know your intention is to educate. But there were a few gross inaccuracies – I know there is no time to ‘take offence’ but I feel I need to clarify a few points about my son, H and me and this ‘other country’. I don’t think always necessary to have to go into all the history – but in my case it seems to be – especially in reference to your last post.
Firstly, H lives a 4 hour plane trip away in Kenya. H and I first met 20 years ago when I was 18 years old. My business is in Kenya, I have a home there & friends. Kenya is my second home. So when I say I am moving to Kenya – it is not for H – but for business reasons, and where most of my friends live.
Secondly, H has been an incredible support to me and my family. I knew him before his addiction (which in a way makes it harder). I think we fell in love about 10 years ago. But under huge pressure from both families not to commit to each other as we come from different cultures, religions blah blah. So we ‘decided’ to walk away from a relationship. I then met my husband. Everyone happy as we ‘came from the same background’. I married my husband 8 years ago. A disaster. Nothing in common. We separated almost a year later. And divorced. I then based myself in Kenya. H and I then started seeing each other again.
Then I lost my brother in a car crash and my dad died (all within a year). My world fell apart and I went back to South Africa. But continued travelling between the two countries and seeing H every 3 weeks or so. But we decided it was not fair to ‘commit’ as I did not know where I wanted to base myself. (when you asked if I had been with anyone else – I answered ‘No’ as in ‘No’ only H) and then I did the MOST stupid thing – I had a ‘one night’ stand with my ex-husband and my son was conceived. And NO this was not because I was using him to fall pregnant – it was an accident – I was not ready for children. But thank God – as I have this beautiful little boy (who is actually 4 yrs, 6 months). I obviously told H about it – and he said he would support me – which he did. I never went back to my ex. I have been a single parent and do everything for my son. My son travels frequently to Kenya with me. H is a loving, caring person to my son. But in no way will I expose my son to H’s addiction. I maintain a very good relationship with my ex. He and my son are very close. H only became an addict in 2007/2008. I withdrew hugely from his life. I have debated ever considering a serious relationship with him for years - because of my son. And this is why I have joined SR – and I have openly said how ignorant I have been to addiction. I have heard you all – and only as a result of SR – do I know think, that with all the love and good intentions in the world – that a future with H (especially considering my son) is NOT possible.
But it is so difficult as at the end of the day the decision is up to me – and you get so many mixed answers on SR. But a few critical points made by most (which I had not considered-you could say I was in DENIAL - before joining SR) is:
An addict is ALWAYS an addict and the addiction or recovery will always come first.
That a relapse is more than likely
That no matter how much I love and support – I cannot do thing to help the addict. And that loving too much usually equals CODEPENCY
That to introduce my son to this life is grossly unfair – he did not chose this – and that it would be a life of instability for my son and for me.
Thank you all.