I saw the doctor today. He said that what I did was incredibly stupid and to go immediately to an ER if that happens again. He said I got lucky -- and that repeated withdrawals can cause nerve damage, mental dysfunction, and a likelihood of worse withdrawal affects in the future. I knew that, but didn't think it applied to me.
He was, in fact, so concerned, that he took blood to confirm that I was telling the truth. (A liability issue for him, I think). I have a followup appointment with him tomorrow afternoon.
I think that those of us with drug/alcohol problems develop an understanding of our drug/booze before it becomes a serious problem. We know what to expect, how to cure things, and all of that. However, when things become overly problematic, our understanding turns into a deficit. That is, once alcohol becomes a serious issue, it's completely unpredictable. The syndrome requires trained and objective outsiders to treat, but we think we know everything.
I have a PhD in mathematics, I've also published papers in Biology and Physics; I manage 500 engineers. Nonetheless, I made stupid subjective decisions based on my own initial experiences with alcohol. I thought I understood the stuff better than people who'd seen thousands of alcoholics -- people who treated my condition as a medical emergency. That's alcoholic behavior at it's worst.
So then, I made a stupid decision. I played the lottery and somehow won. I tried that before with the stupid alcohol-tapering idea -- it was a serious mistake.
I really hope that someone reads this post and ignores any non-medical advice they receive. That advice, for me was just an excuse to continue drinking and taking benzos. It turned into a catastrophe. Maybe it works for some people, but I think those people are winning a lottery. Maybe I got lucky, but maybe next time I won't.
From now on, I'll just let doctors treat this disorder. I don't believe that alcoholism is a disease, I think it's a behavioral choice (yes, a controversial viewpoint). Nonetheless, acute alcohol withdrawal is a serious and well-documented medical emergency.
If you shake, keep drinking your regular amount until you're ready for detox. Detox only lasts a few days and you'll gain a clarity of mind that you haven't had before. The nurses I've encountered (during three detoxes) are extraordinarily kind and forgiving. Near the end, it's a somehow pleasant experience. (Better yet, just go to detox -- but I guess that not everyone's ready for that).
The hardest part about coming out from detox is that you're left to your own devices. It's a scary feeling and my first impulse was to drink. The first two hospitals I went to didn't leave me with any plan of action. Finally I went to a behavioral health hospital that also did detox -- I was able to smoke, socialize, watch movies, have visitors, make coffee, etc. I wasn't stuck to an IV or laying in bed. If anyone is lucky enough to have that in their area, I recommend it. That hospital set me up with an outpatient plan that's -- more or less -- working for me. So, if anyone goes to detox, make sure to setup an outpatient plan while in the hospital.