Hi, Jen. My 22 year old AS lives with us until September 1. He was in out-patient treatment (opiates, MJ, alcohol) when he was 19. He went right back to using the day after his after-care was done. We asked him to leave. Made the mistake of paying for an apartment for him while he attended school. He continued to use while attending school and work part time. He currently has one more year to complete his psychology bachelors degree.
In December, he came home for break from college. Was arrested twice, once in October and once in December for posession and paraphenalia. He asked us to allow him to live with us until his new lease begins Sept 1 with the agreement he would go through treatment again. He went through another outpatient treatment, and aftercare. He says he has a sponsor that he meets with weekly and attends a couple of meetings every week. He is working part time at a deparment store and part time at a halfway house for men every other weekend. He doesn't dissapear for long periods of time, so it doesn't seem like he is attending parties, but I feel like he is either still using or a "dry drunk" as he still behaves in ways he did while he was using heavily (doesn't pick up after himself, leaves late for work, disorganized, forgets appointments due to oversleeping, etc.) He's never openly sarcastic or disagreeable but I find a lot of his "forgetting" to help out unless we write him a list of "mow the lawn," etc. to be his passive aggressive way of taking his resentment out on us. AA and NA meeting attendance seems to be gradually decreasing too.
Frankly, I can't wait until September 1. I did much better when he was not living with us. This time around, we do not intend to pay for groceries, rent, or anything. We have told him that, but I don't know if he believes it.
Laurie is right, definitely, a sober living environemnt would be a great option for both of you. You could work on yourself and so could she. If you haven't already tried Al-Anon, it is a great program. I finally starting attending meetings in March. I didn't realize it truly is a family illess.
Keep posting and reading here, this website is soooo helpful.