Dear 'Englishgarden' your words are powerful and wise and fill me with hope. The unbelievable thing is that my dad (whom I loved and adored - we were business partners, best friends - and mum and dad had been married for 36 years) died as a result of alcoholism. He was a 'functional' alcoholic. 'Functioning' perfectly up until the day he died!!! As a young family we lulled ourselves into a false sense of security and did not accept the obvious. I did not attend any support groups as I believed my family 'were different' and that 'we were coping'. Dad died when I was 27 years old - in my arms! Then my darling gorgeous brother was killed in a car crash a year later. Martin was 23! I believed my life was ending. But my sister and I (and my mum) decided there and then that we chose LIFE. That we would make the most of our lives - and live everyday. That was 9 years ago. Today I am 37! And I believed that I had survived, was untouched by my dad's disease.... only now, from having joined SR do I realise that I was totally scarred and so was my sister. I am trying to educate myself as much as possible to addiction and co-dependency. I have been so aware with the journey with H (my love) NOT to be codependent. To love and support, whilst keeping the boundaries and keeping a safe distance. I thought I was doing all of this. But now, that he is gone (dear God I hope only temporarily) do I realise how damaged I am... that I feel such a sense of loss....
But reading through your words, I can honestly say - that I am PREPARED to take this on! That I love H for all the good and the bad. That I am NOT dependent on him for my happiness...but simply, when H walks into the room - I feel a warm good feeling. My soul feels alive. And I am prepared to walk alongside him on this journey. But I hear your words, that I need to be sure I am adequately armed!!!! I feel I have survived the loss of my gorgeous brother - I can handle this. But where your words have taught me reading this tonight - is to be completely 100% sure that I am not taking this on to be a martyre - that I am NOT a victim - and to be 100% sure of myself - who I am in this world...and to not be defined by H's addiction. And that I cannot cure him or rescue him...but can love him. And when necessary, walk away.