My feeling is that the only possibility for hope in any relationship with a recovering addict is that the codependent partner reach such a strong, spiritual, grounded place--unshakable in her belief in herself and her right to be treated with love and respect--that WHEN the recovering addict in her life relapses (either into active using or dry drunk out of control selfish and cruel behaviors), she has the immediate ability to separate from the addict and hand his disease right back to him. She does not plead, coddle, weep, or flail. She knows that addiction is a chronic, relapsing disease and by consciously choosing to commit to a long-term relationship with a recovering addict, she has--one hopes-- with absolute clarity, made herself ready for the very high likelihood of relapse in the coming months or years. And when it happens, she has decided that she is woman who can handle it.
Addicts are always teetering on the edge. Any addict who tells you different is someone delusional. Addicts must be ever vigilant, or they will use again, sliding instantly down the oiled slope back to the depths where they were, exactly where they were, when they stopped using.
A codependent who thinks relapse is not a strong possibility is someone not made for relationship with a recovering addict. A codependent who is not a whole person all by herself and who needs the addict in her life so that she can feel complete and worthwhile is not made for relationship with a recovering addict. A codependent who is dependent, who does not possess the required self-confidence and willingness to say "You're out," calmly, with quiet conviction, and no drama, when the addict relapses, is not made for a relationship with a recovering addict.
If a codependent commits to long-term relationship with a recovering addict, she must always have a psychological bag packed and ready. When relapse occurs, she makes a clear, unwavering statement: "You're out." She lives her life and she carries on, with good wishes for the addict to get his act together again. It takes a certain kind of woman to be able to do this.
A codependent is free to wait and see what happens during the relapse, she is free to wait weeks or months or years, but she should never, in my opinion, stew in her misery that the addict did this to HER. She made the commitment to a recovering addict, knowing the risks, and she should be willing to deal with the consequences should he relapse. Relapse is a component of addictive disease.
The questions in relationships with addicts always circle back to who we are. The questions are always about us, not about him.