Ready for Step 2
I have definitely accepted the fact that I am powerless over the alcoholism that is afflicting my family and my life has become unmanageable. After figuring out that my way of trying to fix things does not work, I have *come to believe that a higher power greater than me can restore me to sanity.* Absolutely. I also believe a higher power has brought me through a lot of things. I have actually come out of my past on top. I am a very fortunate and resourceful person.
What is my concept of a Higher Power at this time?
This question is difficult for me. I am not comfortable with the word God or Christianity. I am very agnostic. I believe a Higher Power is the universe at large. I believe that I don't have to carry my sorrow and pain all on my own. I can release it and give it up and let this higher power take care of it. I believe that a HP dwells deep within me. Within all of us. It is a higher mind that helps me ground myself when I go off course. It is present when I let go of my ego and I become one with my own existence instead of focusing on the past or the future.
What would it take to allow my concept of my Higher Power to change?
My concept has changed when I fully realized that my way of coping with life does not work. I fully realized that I cannot carry my burdens alone and that I cannot deal with being alone in the universe without feeling connected to a HP.
Have past experiences affected my concept of a Higher Power? If so, how?
Absolutely. I was forced to go to church quite a few times and I have gone on my own quite a few times as well. I do not like church at all. Christianity does not fit who I am at all. So, I have been distant from my spirituality. The thing about Christianity that does not work for me is that is triggers my perfectionist tendencies and I want to be a perfect Christian because there was so much emphasis on sinning and being nothing without God. After I broke away from Christianity, I have slowly over the years come to believe that I do not have to earn love from a HP. I carry it deep within me and it is never going away. I am just more aware of the presence now.
But back when I was trying to be the perfect Christian, I was not really enjoying the presence of a HP. I was just trying to be perfect so that God could love me. That was not healthy for me. So, for the sake of my own sanity I have had to branch away and develop my own relationship with and understanding of a HP.
What do I hope to gain from accepting the concept of a Power greater than myself?
I hope to gain relief. In a lot of ways, I am already relieved. I am letting go of my need to fix and control everything. I am letting go of my need to be perfect. Having an awareness of a higher power allows me to be present and realize that I am lovable and acceptable as I am. I don't have to be perfect to feel the presence of something bigger than me. It is *always* there and I can release my pain, sorrow, guilt, loneliness, and delusions to this HP and focus on the here and now. I can trust in the HP and know that things will work out fine instead of feeling crazy and like I need to make everything work out.