Having a really hard time today
12 days sober and totally unhappy about it. To be honest, I am furious. I am mad at myself for being in this situation. I don't want to have to quit drinking. I know that I should because I am wreckless and unable to control myself when I drink, but I am just so insanely mad that that is the case. I don't even know what to do with myself. Tonight and tomorrow I should be drinking with friends, but I can't. So I don't know what to do.
I got into a bit of a fight earlier with my boyfriend. He stopped drinking the day I did. He said he wants to support me, but it isn't easy for him either. I told him he can drink if he wants, not to quit for me but for himself if that is what he wants, but I don't really know what it is he wants. I was acting a little irrational earlier (just pissy, couldn't think of what I wanted to do, but couldn't sit still enough to enjoy staying home) and he told me there was no reason for me to be upset. I tried to explain that I am upset because not drinking on a holiday like this is incredibly hard. Not even the not drinking part, just the fact that I can't. I know it is a choice, but it is one I don't want to make. I equate most holidays with drinking, or parties, or bars. It may be an unhealthy connection, but I can't change that quickly. He said he is going through the same thing and that he is stressed out, too. But I can't tell. He hides his feelings and when I talk about mine he doesn't have much to say.
Anyway, I am just angry. At myself. I feel like I have put myself in a situation I don't want to be in and if I had been more responsible before I wouldn't be like this now.
I suppose I should have made plans so I am not antsy in the house. I guess I will take that into consideration for the next holiday. For today I am angry and confused.