I'm so sorry Tinks. We understand all that you are feeling...the absolute heaviness of disappointment and that all-too-familiar fear, anger and hopelessness. There's only one thing left to do (once again) and that is to place him in God's loving hands.
I think that the volunteer work you and SeekingGrowth are considering sounds like just the ticket. I've often thought of doing so myself after some of the dust settles in my own life. Surely all this hell we've been thru can be put to good use somehow.
Please let us know how you're doing. We care.