It seems like when you start to get into trouble is when you start to project your fears and negative emotions onto her. Then you seem to get wrapped into your negative thoughts and when you start drinking it gets worse and since she was where you were projecting your fears and anxiety at first, when you start drinking she becomes the focus of all your negative emotions and it becomes easy for you to pull her apart and tear her down because you're angry with yourself but too blind drunk to look inside. Forgive me if i'm wrong because i don't mean to over analyze you (especially with me not even knowing you well) but with what i've read in your post, that' what i see.
Have you considered AA? You seem like someone who would really benefit from working the steps with a sponsor. They're really helping me. They strengthen your relationship with yourself, your Higher Power and your fellow man. I tried to do it alone, i tried rehab but it wasn't until AA that i found my program and fellowship and my personal path to sobriety.